Once: A Scatter-shot Look

Next Monday at Tenx9 Nashville’s storytelling event, they are doing stories on the topic, “Once.” I forgot to put in for a slot and was very disappointed to find it out. Nevertheless, you should come to Douglas Corner Cafe on Monday, June 23 at 7:30pm. A list developed based on my random memories that I thought might be good story material. I read over it and thought y’all might enjoy it. Not a word of it is a lie.

Once

Once, I swam with sharks without knowing it.

Once, I taught a 73 year-old man how to read.

Once, I hiked over 100 miles in 2 years in the Great Smoky Mountains.

Once, I was seeing a Lenny Kravitz show in Memphis when they announced Jeff Buckley had died.

Once, I was asked to be someone’s Dominatrix – and all my bills would be paid. I declined.

Once, I wept seeing the exquisite ceiling in Gaudi’s Palau de la Música Catalana.

Once, I was a camp counselor at a United Methodist Environmental Education center.

Once, I saw the Bread and Puppet Theatre at Highlander Center.

Once I got ripped off by the Rainbow Tribe in Utah.

Once, I went out in the snow and stomped out a peace sign on the football field..

Once, I dove off a rock cliff into a river because boys were making fun of me.You can see it in this video of hillbillies like me jumping off things.

Once I fell in love with a gay man. Ok. More than once.

Once, I met with Sen. Strom Thurmond to express my concern about abortion. I was 13. I am pro-choice now.

Once, I self-published a book of poems.

Once, I passed out on stage in front of my entire middle school giving a campaign speech to be Treasurer.

Once, I was sexually assaulted as an adult and went to work the next morning as if nothing happened.

Once, I ended up in the loony bin.

Once, I played the part of a male back-up dancer in a production of “Guys and Dolls.”

Once, climbed up a rock face and thought I might die of fear.

Once, I hosted a Women’s Open Mike for almost 4 years.

Once, I made it to the final round of cuts for Downtown Julie Brown’s show on MTV in 1987.

Once, I had a “social issues” column in my college newspaper.

Once, I co-facilitated court-ordered therapy with Domestic Violence Offenders.

Once, the whelps from on my legs from “spankings” were so bad I had to hide them in gym.

Once, I taught Creative Writing in a homeless shelter.

Once, I stood at Archbishop Romero’s tomb.

Once, I challenged a 300 pound man to a fight because I didn’t like the way he spoke to his girlfriend.

Once, I caught a Stryper Bible.

Once, I played a prostitute with a heart of gold that sang Rizzo’s song.

Once, I was a mascot for a radio station in Knoxville. I was a bee.

Once, I helped deliver a baby.

Once I drove a friend to an abortion clinic in KY and was hit in the head with a Bible. I was pro-life at the time.

Once, I fell in love with a Compulsive Liar.

Once, I lived over two years in a homeless shelter that I managed at nights and on the weekends while in college.

Once, I threw a plate of food at my Dad when he said something racist.

Once, I was a therapist for juvenile sex offenders.

Once, I held a man’s hand as he died. He had no friends or family.

Once, I took a pie in the face.

Once, I had a BIG CRUSH on someone for almost two years and later married him.

Once, I worked in a bakery where most of our customers where in the Mafia in Upstate New Jersey.

Once, I was scolded for dressing in “an attention-getting manner.”

Once, I helped take care of my abusive father as he died of pancreatic cancer.

Once, I lived in a Dismas House with former offenders and college students from Maryville College.

Once, I was an extremely successful telemarketer.

Once, I was on C-span.

Once, I camped out for 2 days to get U2 tickets.

Once, I earned a Master’s degree because I didn’t know what else to do.

Once, I did mushrooms and went to see Prairie Home Companion.

Once I hid contraband in my friend’s mass of curly hair at the Lilith Fair show at Starwood Amphitheater – successfully.

Once, I danced up a fury at a Ludacris show and a man I did not know gave me $50 at the end of the night.

Once, I was in a boxing match with the Science teacher at the High School I was principal of – she got me right in the face and then forfeited the fight, saying “After I saw the look on your face, I couldn’t hit you again.”

Once, my friends and I made and wore t-shirts that spelled out “D-E-V-O”.

Once, a complete stranger gave me $300 to buy books at Grad School because he heard I couldn’t afford it.

Once, I had breakfast with Sen. Al Gore, where he remembered me from when he visited my college. I lit into him over the first Gulf War the first time I met him.

Once, I wrote away to Clown College because I was seriously considering it as a career choice.

Once, I broke my ankle in three places mowing the grass.

Once, I traveled across country, and each day my companion and myself would strip down randomly and do naked shots.

Once, I ate a snake.

Once, Dorothy Allison told me I should quit smoking.

Once, I got so drunk in a Mexican Restaurant that I left a shoe there.

Once, someone took a shot at me and missed.

Once, I formed a Feminist Collective that lived “in community” for two years before it imploded.

Once, I gave too many fucks and had such a hero-complex, that I was told :”Get off the cross, the wood is needed elsewhere.”

Once, I joyously threw rotten tomatoes at my friends.